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The Onion: LCPD Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

By Alex Petraglia on Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 10:50 AM EST  

The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, has a rather disturbing report today on the unexpected and exponential crime surge in Liberty City as of late.

Here’s an excerpt from the piece:

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City’s total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

One Algonquin resident offered this horrifying statement: “I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police. That is unacceptable.”

Indeed, there is much blame to be levied against the LCPD. “I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away. A nearby police car didn’t even react,” noted a man from Broker. “But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away.”

One LCPD official lamented his force’s predicament. “We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen,” the officer said. “If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically.”

More at the source.

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